"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."
"Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it."
"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"
---Neva Faith Linn
"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
"Anyone seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life."
---Loelia, Duchess of Westminster
"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
"I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited."
"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls."
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"
"Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming."
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
"A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling."
"A hard man is good to find."
"Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot."
"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."
"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
"I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."
"The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact."
"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy."
"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."
"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
"I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect."
"He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
"How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it."
"I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last."
---Al Forman (former MLB umpire)
"I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide."
"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
"Sometimes you have to do that with adults--just say what they need you to say--so they'll get out of your face."
---Tarantula Shoes by Tom Birdseye
"I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language."
---Father Figure by Richard Peck
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood."
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
"Don't be so humble--you are not that great."
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
---Robin Williams (on Clinton/Lewinsky affair)
"If you're going to make every game a matter of life or death, you're going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot."
"Home is a place where teenagers go to refuel."
"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."
"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare."
"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution."
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
"The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided."
"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."
"A kindergarten teacher is someone who loves children and hates zippers."
"Better to be forgotten than sued."
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."
"It's better to leave while staying is welcomes than to stay while leaving is welcomed."
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
"Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"
"Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers."
"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."
"One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket."
"The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another."
"When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason."
"You know you're in love when you take the longer way to class even if it means going up two extra stair cases just to see his face."
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done."
"A thoughtful kid is one who leaves enough gas in the tank for you to get to the filling station."
"In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction."
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."
"Shipwrecked man to another: 'Don't worry--we'll be found. My pledge to the church is due this week.'"
"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier."
"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
"Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute."
"He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom."
---The Better Half cartoon by Randy Glasbergen
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
"Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature."
"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up.'"
"Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11:30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter."
---James T. Adams
"You can't say civilization isn't advancing: in every war, they kill you in a new way."
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men."
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
"It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
---Jerome K. Jerome
"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."
"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."
"After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room."
"Remember the good old days when a juvenile delinquent was a boy who played the saxophone too loud?"
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
---A. Whitney Brown
"Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers."
"Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, and disposable."
---Mrs. White, Clue
"Okay, so God made man first, but doesn't everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?"
"Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up."
"English is a funny language--that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway."
"One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average."
"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil--and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid."
"Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big."
"Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."
"Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure."
"A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large."
---Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby
"You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something."
---H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."
"We all basically go back to being children in the dentist's chair."
"Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut."
---Robert Newton Peck
"School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone."
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
"Children are the most expensive form of entertainment."
"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."
"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
"A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase."
"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
"The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good."
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."
"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."
---Laurence J. Peter
"Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest."
---Karen Savage and Patricia Adams
"Forgive your enemies--if you can't get back at them any other way."
---Franklin P. Jones
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
---Franklin P. Jones
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely."
"I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner."