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Humorous Quotations

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***NEW*** 12/01/02
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner."
---Ben Bergor

07/12/02
"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated."
---Garry Trudeau

03/09/02
"Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it."
---Salvador Dali

03/09/02
"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
---Jim Morrison

03/09/02
"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
---Gilda Radner

03/09/02
"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."
---Unknown

11/30/01
"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"
---Neva Faith Linn

11/30/01
"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
---Unknown

07/31/01
"Anyone seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life."
---Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

07/31/01
"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
---Brad Ramsey

06/29/01
"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
---Mae West

06/29/01
"I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited."
---Oscar Wilde

06/29/01
"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls."
---Groucho Marx

06/29/01
"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"
---Unknown

05/31/01
"Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming."
---Amy Bennett

05/31/01
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
---Oscar Wilde

05/31/01
"A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling."
---Stephen Fry

05/31/01
"A hard man is good to find."
---Mae West

05/31/01
"Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot."
---Dick Gregory

04/30/01
"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."
---H.L. Mencken

04/30/01
"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
---Alan Coren

04/30/01
"I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror."
---Flann O'Brien

04/30/01
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
---Groucho Marx

04/30/01
"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."
---H.L. Mencken

04/30/01
"The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact."
---Stephen Sondheim

03/30/01
"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy."
---Unknown

03/30/01
"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."
---Unknown

03/30/01
"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
---Compton Mackenzie

03/30/01
"I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect."
---Harvey Fierstein

03/30/01
"He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."
---Neil Simon

03/30/01
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
---Dean Martin

03/30/01
"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
---Fran Lebowitz

03/30/01
"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
---Woody Allen

02/28/01
"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
---Michelle Pfeiffer

12/31/00
"How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it."
---Sara Swank

11/30/00
"I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last."
---Al Forman (former MLB umpire)

10/31/00
"I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide."
---Missy Fruchter

10/31/00
"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
---Leo Duracher

10/31/00
"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."
---Unknown

10/03/00
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."
---Bill Cosby

10/03/00
"Sometimes you have to do that with adults--just say what they need you to say--so they'll get out of your face."
---Tarantula Shoes by Tom Birdseye

10/03/00
"I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language."
---Father Figure by Richard Peck

08/31/00
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
---Franklin Jones

08/31/00
"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood."
---Cal Thomas

08/31/00
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
---Fred Allen

07/20/00
"Don't be so humble--you are not that great."
---Golda Meir

07/20/00
"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
---Robin Williams (on Clinton/Lewinsky affair)

07/20/00
"If you're going to make every game a matter of life or death, you're going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot."
---Dean Smith

06/28/00
"Home is a place where teenagers go to refuel."
---Unknown

06/28/00
"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
---Tori Filler

06/28/00
"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
---Steven Wright

05/28/00
"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."
---Unknown

05/28/00
"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare."
---Ed Asner

04/29/00
"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
---Jim Leyland

04/29/00
"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution."
---Unknown

04/29/00
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
---Neil Kinnock

03/29/00
"The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided."
---Casey Stengal

03/29/00
"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."
---Unknown

03/29/00
"A kindergarten teacher is someone who loves children and hates zippers."
---Unknown

01/30/00
"Better to be forgotten than sued."
---Dave Weinbaum

01/30/00
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
---Dave Berry

01/30/00
"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."
---Unknown

11/28/99
"It's better to leave while staying is welcomes than to stay while leaving is welcomed."
---Unknown

11/28/99
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
---Phyllis Diller

10/24/99
"Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"
---Unknown

10/24/99
"Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers."
---Proverbs 10:26

09/26/99
"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."
---Unknown

09/26/99
"One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket."
---Unknown

08/19/99
"The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another."
---Quentin Crisp

07/15/99
"When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason."
---Molly McGee

07/15/99
"You know you're in love when you take the longer way to class even if it means going up two extra stair cases just to see his face."
---Unknown

06/24/99
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
---Unknown

06/24/99
"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
---Unknown

05/30/99
"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done."
---Sam Ewing

05/30/99
"A thoughtful kid is one who leaves enough gas in the tank for you to get to the filling station."
---Unknown

04/02/99
"In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction."
---Bill Flavin

03/19/99
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
---Unknown

03/19/99
"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
---Unknown

02/26/99
"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
---Unknown

02/26/99
"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
---Nipsey Russel

02/10/99
"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
---Unknown

02/10/99
"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
---Unknown

01/28/99
"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."
---Kimberly Broyles

01/28/99
"Shipwrecked man to another: 'Don't worry--we'll be found. My pledge to the church is due this week.'"
---Al Johns

01/20/99
"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier."
---James Dent

01/20/99
"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
---Jay Leno

01/09/99
"Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute."
---Jonathan Kellerman

"He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom."
---The Better Half cartoon by Randy Glasbergen

"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
---Unknown

"Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature."
---Unknown

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up.'"
---Lenny Bruce

"Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11:30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter."
---James T. Adams

"You can't say civilization isn't advancing: in every war, they kill you in a new way."
---Will Rogers

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
---Ashleigh Brilliant

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men."
---Joseph Conrad

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
---Charlotte Whittond

"It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
---Unknown

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
---Jerome K. Jerome

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."
---Unknown

"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."
---Unknown

"After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room."
---Unknown

"Remember the good old days when a juvenile delinquent was a boy who played the saxophone too loud?"
---Unknown

"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
---Kin Hubbard

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
---A. Whitney Brown

"Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers."
---Judith Martin

"Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, and disposable."
---Mrs. White, Clue

"Okay, so God made man first, but doesn't everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?"
---Courtney Huston

"Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up."
---Unknown

"English is a funny language--that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway."
---Mark Grasso

"One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average."
---Jonathan Fuerbringer

"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil--and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid."
---Phil Pastoret

"Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big."
---George Carlin

"Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."
---Terry Marchal

"Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure."
---Michael Levine

"A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large."
---Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

"You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something."
---H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."
---Al Bernstein

"We all basically go back to being children in the dentist's chair."
---Arthur Benjamin

"Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut."
---Robert Newton Peck

"School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone."
---Ashley Salvati

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
---Scott Adams

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
---Chuck Norris

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
---Sam Ewing

"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
---Elbert Hubbard

"Children are the most expensive form of entertainment."
---Mihaela Iosof

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."
---Doug Larson

"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
---Bill Cosby

"A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase."
---Unknown

"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
---Tommy Bolt

"The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good."
---Polish Proverb

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."
---"Smile" Zingers

"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."
---Laurence J. Peter

"Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest."
---Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

"Forgive your enemies--if you can't get back at them any other way."
---Franklin P. Jones

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
---W.C. Fields

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
---Franklin P. Jones

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
---Doug Larson

"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely."
---Lubna Azmi

"I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner."
---Lisa Leslie


This page was last updated on December 01, 2002.

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